I miss my friend’s old nose. I scroll back on Instagram and look at photos of her old nose as if I’m secretly looking at pictures of an ex. I desperately want a nose job but I don’t have the money and I know there are other things that I should spend that money on even if I did have the money. I could get a loan out and get a new nose. I don’t think that I’d miss my old nose the way that I miss my friend’s old nose. Hers wasn’t particularly large but it was significant, and gave a clue to her ethnicity, which was beautiful. Now it’s very straight and small and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But I do miss her old nose very much and like to look at old pictures of it. It was so integral to the whole architecture of her face. Maybe people would say that about my nose, too, if it were gone: it was so integral. But I doubt they would say that, I think they would just think that I looked very, very pretty - much prettier than I do now, and somehow cleverer. Sometimes I think that if I got a nose job I’d be able to fix everything else in my life, that it’s just my weird nose that’s holding me back. I can’t breathe very well through one side of my nose because the septum is so deviated. As far as I know I don’t snore, but I barely sleep, so maybe I do snore when I sleep but nobody has ever caught me sleeping in order to find out for sure. Sometimes I think about going to a doctor and telling them that I can’t breathe through my left nostril and asking whether I could have surgery to fix it but then I think: that’s a waste of NHS resources and they will probably tell me to go fuck myself. I generally believe that going to the doctor for any reason will result in them telling me to go fuck myself, even if I have a legitimate health concern, because doctors have been pretty rude to me in the past, and I have a defensive attitude which, I think, riles them up further. I enter the room by basically kicking the door down and screaming ‘WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?’
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